Monday, August 9, 2010
i'm a romantic.
Not a cinderella-romantic. Although I love Disney.
i'm a Wordsworth romantic: (example) "For I have learned to look on nature, not as in the hour of thoughtless youth, but hearing oftentimes the still, sad music of humanity"
Lately, things in my life have seemingly shifted but on the surface have stayed the same. Like a leaf in the wind.
Love. Life. Living Life. Loving Life. Living to Love. The last one fits most clearly.
No matter what we tell people, no matter of what we try to convince ourselves, we want to love and be loved. And don't worry, it's not narcisistic to say so either.
A heartache can reak havoc on us more than we first believe. It's silent. Not concrete. Hard to explain the emotions we feel. It's like a ghost ship that has sunk but keeps haunting.
Sometimes we believe we're in the clear, we're ok. Usually that's the last hurdle to overcome, usually the hardest.
I think it's safe to say i'm ready. Ready for life again. i've had a great run in the last couple years. I've conquered fears. I moved to another country for Grad school. But I think it took coming back home, a reconnection with myself, to make me realize a few things; I pondered so many times: when will I not feel like a little girl anymore? I still feel that way, yet now their is a strong peace, that makes me feel like a warrior.
During an escapade on the Bay, nature was in line with my soul, thoughts pure; As the ocean lay before me, welcoming me, embracing my soul, I asked myself: Am I ready? Ready to love again? ...which is to say: am i ready to let go?
No one really wants to be alone.
It is possible to be with oneself. Meditation brings me there.
But dang it - I still want someone with whom I'll drink my coffee in the early morning light.